This is day two of my personal journey out of Egypt and thinking about the first time I read the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of slavery I could not imagine why they would ever want to go back. Today I have a different picture of that story and a new understanding of the fear that comes with leaving the familiar. Even on the mountain top of yesterday I began to justify and try to see a way to start my new life and appease my old one. God did not give me the spirit of fear or doubt so I know the battle has begun and just like the Israelites I see the Egyptians coming and I am unsure of my fate. But God (my favorite words in the Bible) has already shown that he is faithful by reminding me that I am not alone. First of all, “He will never leave me nor forsake me” has proven to be true countless times in my life and it comforts me but He has also given me several people that I love and trust to share my journey with and that encourages me to move on. I am thankful for the words in Jeremiah that remind me the Lord has a plan for me and it is only for good and for future hope. He sees the entire path and He knows the outcome He will be there to catch me when I stumble and carry me when I don’t know how to move forward and I am sure just like the Israelites I will have plenty of days I will forget the Mighty hand of God and look only at the trials and hardships of my choices. One very important lesson God taught me way back in the beginning is that it is in the valley He is changing me. My goal is to stop and look for the lesson and let go of whatever it is I think is more important so I can move on but unfortunately impatience and stubbornness are two of the things I return to the most. It is in those moments I like to remind Him, He created me, and sometimes just like a sassy child I have to have some correction before I will learn. My goal in this story is be real and honest and to take apart the cute little sayings I have had thrown at me by fellow Christians as a form of encouragement, you know the ones, they make no since to someone that has just met Christ and truly only bring confusion more than they help. A great example of one “God will never give you more than you can handle” unfortunately what I am trying to handle God did not give me; they are consequences from sin that I gained from a worldly life-style before I met Him. Yes, we can lay our burdens on Him but who understands that when they are just a babe? This culture has trained me to judge myself by the people around me and I am constantly trying to portray the image of the people I believe are successful, regardless of what I deem that to be, wealth, fame, fitness, perfect family, you name it. All I can say is thank you for Facebook where everyone has it all together and knows the answer to any question! I hear it said all the time what women really need is to be transparent with each other but who really wants to go first? This is a terrifying place for a new Christian that doesn’t know the language or the expectations and if they are anything like me who after 20 plus years of walking with Christ, still has no idea how to be a proper lady. We all know judgement of each other is coming and that is what really keeps us in the box. I can say with much certainty that I have never had a problem telling someone else what their problem is or how to fix it. I also have avoided spending any amount of time looking in the mirror because it is easier to point out someone else’s problems when I don’t believe mine are fixable or that I am even worth the effort. I really don’t mean that to be harsh I truly have shared my mistakes and my victories with other women so they see God working in me and I have been the recipient of that same love and have grown from the experience. I have also hidden a lot of my true story form many women because I believe they would just use it against me and confirm the voices in my head that say I am not enough. As I look at that now I think it is very shallow and makes me guilty of making my God small. There is not a sin conceived that I have not been guilty of or forgiven from. I am reminded regularly that “but not for the grace of God there go I” and that because of the overflowing amount of grace I have personally been given I have no right to withhold it from anyone else. So why would I be responsible for someone else hoarding the grace they have received? I am by no means in the place of freedom with this issue but my goal in this story is to actually share all of it in hopes that God can use it in someone else’s life.
Warning: don’t be shocked or offended by my lack of charisma or that I say inappropriate things and even laugh at stuff proper Christian ladies should not find funny, it’s going to happen if you continue reading this. You can blame God if you want to because “He did create me” and I am His!
This is an awesome and real read. Thank you for being so open in your writing.