Moving On

So this morning I woke up all excited and ready to take on the next day of my spiritual walk. What are we working on today Lord? My mind is all over the place with great ideas like Forgiveness, parenting, freedom, that went on for some time. “Lord, I have started writing on each of these subjects and all of it sounds hollow and untrue”, again I am humbled by my impatience and as I became quiet in my defeat God brought a story to my mind. Years ago while in Bible College I had a license plate in my rear window and it said Jesus Saves, very fitting for a bible student. I drove my boys to school every morning and then went to school myself and I became convicted about my driving and my attitude toward other drivers so I removed the license plate in hopes that I didn’t bring offense to my Savior. I have told that story several times and at first I really didn’t even think it was wrong and then I used it as a demonstration of how real I am and that I am as human as everyone else. What I missed is the condition of my heart. God clearly spoke to me today and revealed something that I knew in my head but never understood in my heart. He does not need me to protect His reputation by pretending to be something I’m not He doesn’t need me to protect Him at all but I need Him to protect me. I have spent many years in the shadow of my own life pretending to be something I am not to protect the reputation of others.  Just writing that brings fear of losing love from people I have worked my whole life to receive it from. I am instantly ready to make concessions for them and excuse them and to get back into my comfort zone but God has a purpose for my life and it is not in my past. I spent a lot of time this morning looking at the mountain range ahead of me and ready to start climbing! I can even see God rolling His eyes at me as He showed me that I have to walk many miles through the desert before I get to the mountains. Here I am only on day 3 and I feel defeated by how far I have to go and God gently reminded me that I named this the journey and for a moment I thought The Mountain would have been just as effective. I’m contemplating the phrase “we will not be perfect until He takes us home” that is very true but I also can’t stop along the trail and just wait for that to happen. The thought of that makes me laugh because just the other day my honey and I were driving in the car and I don’t even remember the conversation I just remember him saying: “who just stops in the desert and says I will live here? Why don’t you move to where the food and water is?” Sound advice and it rings true to God’s word “be holy”, “be perfect”, just because I will not be those things until I see Jesus does not mean I should stop and accept where I am. He is the Bread of Life and the Living Water and my God is able to conquer all things and I am His.

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