Talents

I have spent the last 24 hours thinking about yesterday’s revelation and it keeps bringing me back to the parable of the talents. I have a better understanding of the servant that buried his talent because like him I don’t stop and look at the big picture. God has taken so many of my ashes and given me back beauty in its place and still I look for my value in the past. I stumbled across a verse in Isaiah that I have reminded myself of often, “wait upon the Lord and He will renew your strength”. It is only in my prayer time that I find my strength and my direction and when I let my prayers turn from want to need, and that is not my version of need but His. I ask for revival and for change and for Him to pour out His glory on His people once more and I begin to feel the stir of my own heart. I am surrounded by broken people and by hopelessness trying to be filled with more of whatever the next great thing that the world is offering and still God has called me to be different. My freedom from my past is just a small part of the big picture He has for me and just a little of what he can use from me to encourage other women. Learning to trust and listen and pay attention to the little things matter because they are noticed by desperate people. I often confuse humble and subservient behavior and that is also noticed. I never stop to think about my freedom being seen in my actions and in my reasons for my actions. People see fake even when I do something nice for the wrong reasons. Being humble is not the same thing as just letting others take advantage of you and staying quiet. That reminds me of the little boy who was setting down in the corner but declares “I am standing up on the inside”, how often I do that? I look at people and I see lost so when they look at me and see the same thing does it make what I say about my God sound untrue? It is true! My God is the only goodness in me so why do I let Him be so small? God has put a desire in my heart to minister to women and being real is the only way that happens. So here I am frozen in my fear of failure and trying to excuse away my talent God has given me because I don’t know what letting go looks like and I don’t know what it is going to cost. I hear the lies even while I type and I am reminded of the huge payments I have already made to stay where I am and the cost of my freedom was more than I could ever pay so He did it for me.“Choose you this day whom you will serve” He truly has made this easier than I want it to be. If it is hard and I stumble back then I will receive sympathy and God will forgive me and if I just pick up my cross and move on it will be ok, but lazy is not the same as making a mistake. I will make mistakes and God will correct them but saying it is hard is not excusing my choice that little revelation is already making me laugh. It is my choices that keep me in bondage and it is my choices that steal my joy and keep me from the revival I am asking for. What if I choose to be different and what if I choose not to let other people’s judgement of me hold me back? What if I don’t dress right or talk right or if I even stop pretending to understand humble? What if I am not encouraged by some fluffy story about you can do it and God still loves you and meet women where they truly are; abused, unworthy, stuck in bad choices with no light to see the way out! I have spent so many years comparing myself to women that are thinner, prettier, smarter, cook better, clean better, raise their children better, make more money, have nicer things, better relationships, more friends, (I could literally do this forever) but the truth is I choose to believe that I am not enough. So contrary to the teaching of the world; me taking responsibility for my choice of who I will follow is ultimately my bondage if it be my burdens are heavy or “His yoke is light”. That sounds a lot like I have made it out of the desert, not yet, but I sure got a drink of cold pure water. God is Truth, and I am His.