Set apart, holy, different, tired, broke, and weary, the things I am called to be and the things I am they seem to collide in some gray area that I try not to visit. I get focused on life and all there is to do and all the things I should be doing and I can’t function then I set down and start praying and God takes over my thoughts and it is in those moments that prayer turns into worship and everything is fixable. I want to walk in that place every day and believe that the world will change if I can see it that way but it is really not the world that needs to change it’s me. Yesterday a very dear friend reminded me to not back pedal and to push forward in my journey. I thought at the beginning I could just walk through this and never look back but in truth the cost is going to be very high and my freedom from my past is not going to be free for anyone involved, and then I found this in Isaiah
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
9Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
11And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail
God has a plan for my life and it is for my welfare and not for evil and He wants me to have a future of hope so I continue. How do I take away 52 years of learned behavior? Even as I write this doubt is filling my heart and the knowledge that once I write it I can never take it back. I can hear the accusing voices of the past and see the stern look of the eyes, the one that reminds me not to cross that line. I have stood in front of my church a couple of different times ready to share my testimony and that look has frozen me in my tracks and not allowed me to speak the truth. Even in the Garden of Eden man has tried to hide their sin and have an outward appearance of having it all together but God knows our hearts and He knows the anger and resentment I am caring around and He wants me to lay it down so I am searching for the words to express how that works. Love is either freely given or it is not love at all. Every gift that comes with an attachment is not a gift and I have to stop expecting that to change. I resent my sister and brothers for leaving me here and getting to have their own lives but given the opportunity I would do the same thing. Even now I am stuck trying to understand how “honor thy father and mother” fits into separating the now from the past. How do I forgive someone for stealing my identity and keeping me down for their own use? I am angry at the life I have and I feel unskilled to move out of it but God is giving me a picture of a new life and it is beautiful and I want it. I have thanked God many times since the day I met Him for rescuing me and for coming after me and He is not done doing just that. He wants to redeem all of my brokenness and give me the abundant life He has planned for me and just that easily He restores my hope. My God is the fortress and I am His!