I am still very much in my reflective mode and the realization of today is taking me to a place of repentance and made me unsure how to proceed. I have been remodeling my house for way too long and through many steps I have commented that “if I just had this done I would be happy” my anticipation and impatience has caused me to be reminded “often” that the next step has not made me happy just frustrated for the next step to be done. This is very much how I see life before and after my introduction to Christ. That is very hard to admit because before my encounter with my Savior like everyone else in darkness my goal was to fill the void in my life with anything I could think of that might bring me to peace and joy. However today God has revealed to me that I am still doing that but now I use words like if it is your will and He blesses me or gives me the desires of my heart as I just push for everything to fit into my perfect picture. I began this journey with the intent to find freedom from a learned past and to have a closer walk with God that would make me more spiritual and able to be used in His plan but again I am looking for the next thing that will satisfy me. Don’t get me wrong I believe I am looking for good things; I want my sons to walk closer with God and to be able to lead their families in that same walk. I want to see others come to Christ and I want my sisters and brothers to know my Savior on a deeper level. None of those things are outside the will of God, He is a healer for broken people and a Savior to the lost and able to do above what I can hope but with each answer to prayer I move on to the next thing that I think is most important and I begin all over requesting my heart’s desire for my plan. As I spent some time with Jesus this morning He spoke to me about what following Him actually looked like. In the garden He called Adam and he came and walked with God, He called Abraham and he left everything and went to a strange land not knowing even the directions, when He called the prophets they went and spoke and did things that most never even saw the results of, when He called His disciples they immediately left everything and followed Him. God wants me to have a heart for others but He wants to be first in my life. His call to me is the same as all the others “follow me” that means putting all the things I think are important behind, stop painting my own picture, and going where He leads. There is no fear of persecution in my life right now but the call still requires courage because He is going to lead me to places I have never been and surround me with people I am not comfortable with and He may ask me to do things I don’t understand and that I am very unsure of but He did not ask me if I wanted to go He simply stated this is who “I Am”,” follow me”. I want the map, the destination clear, and to know what I will need to get there; that is the problem; it is about the journey, the little things, the many gifts from His hand, and all I need to bring is trust. Jesus is the goal; He is the prize He will not be second to even my best desires so all of my choices come down to this one thing; do I have the courage to put Him first? To hear the words “well done my good and faithful servant” requires laying down my life so that I can find life in Him. I have heard many times “be careful what you pray for” that has never been the heart God wanted for His people; that is what He considers setting on the fence and the Devil owns the fence, “if God is for you who can stand against you” that is the heart of the church Jesus built.