So I have been away for a while, just struggling with emotions and grief in my own life. The sudden death of someone I love so dearly has a way of making me look at the world a little differently. I have this urgent feel in my soul that is screaming life is so short live joyfully. I am in this state of reevaluation of everything and connection is the most important part of what I need to change. I believe I have lived in the background of my own life for so long that just trying to step forward and be seen is terrifying. As I write that sentence I see the faces of people in my life with a puzzled look; I am not a quiet non-opinionated person that sets in the corner, I laugh strangely loud and lack self-control when I see something wrong that in my opinion should be common since! I am not afraid to be open and outgoing in superficial and nonthreatening situations and after years of waiting tables most people would say I am not shy at all but that took years of me training myself because it is part of the job! I say all of this because it is the very heart of what God is working on in me; this place where behavior is more habit of presenting the right picture than being who I truly am. For me I was raised believing I was not enough that my failures are a source of shame and embarrassment and being vulnerable is weakness.
10For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, “Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them.” 11Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.”d 12But the law is not of faith, rather “The one who does them shall live by them.” 13Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”— 14so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirite through faith
God is calling out of the past and into a walk of faith that is not dictated by rules or fake appearances. His push in my soul to write my journey and share my struggles openly has caused me more fear and anxiety than I could ever express and the amount of prayer and conversation with Him has drawn me closer and given me a whole new possibility of life. He has promised me that He is my hiding place, my rest, my high tower so as I take another step up this mountain and He takes another brick out of my wall I can hear my sister saying don’t give up. She has always been my encourager!