I have been wandering aimlessly for months now and I am tired. I wept in the grocery store hold a can of
baked beans and I spent nights on end with no sleep. I am at the end of me, broken, afraid, and
completely inadequate in every part of my life. I realize for the first time my lack of dependance I have
had on my God. He tells me to fear not and yet I am afraid of the future and how I put aside all our
dreams and walk alone once again. He tells me He will never leave me, but I have never felt so alone.
There are no words for the loss that has left a hole in my life that I have desperately tried to fill with
everything but the only one that can bring me peace. I know that my God uses all things for good to
those who love Him, and I do Love Him. I just feel so stuck in this fog that I cannot see good, and I am so
busy trying to not feel numb that I cannot hear Him. The shock has gone, and I am left sitting here in this
intense pain with the memories of seeing that white sheet with the outline of your body underneath. I
cannot breathe, I cannot run to you for comfort, and I cannot continue to hide in my business. This is all
real and not a nightmare and I need you, Lord. I need you to leave the ninety-nine and come to find me.
I need you to restore my joy and my peace. Once again, I need you to rescue me. Here is where my faith
is challenged and what I believe is truly the mirror of my soul. You have moved mountains and you have
brought beauty from ashes throughout my walk with you and I will trust. The pain does not have to go
away so that I know you love me. You did not take Daniel out of the lion’s den, and you did not put the
fire out for Meshach, Shadrack and Abendigo but you delivered them not just for them but for me also. I
do not need to see your faithfulness because I have already tasted it. I know your voice. You have
written it for me so that I can follow through the noise. I know you have gone before me and that you
have already prepared my place of rest and I thank you for all the things in my heart that remind me you
are above all things even pain. My God calls me beloved!
Pam this is beautiful. I feel your heart crying out to God. I know He is listening. You are loved by so many…hang on. The wind is calming to sweet summer breeze soon…trust my friend….
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