Lay it Down

So my word for the day is Holy Writ, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition is: Bible, a writing or utterance having unquestionable authority. The word was translated to the English language around the year 900 and has been used in writings before that. None of that surprises me but what does is that I receive an email every morning along with two million other people with the word of the day and I couldn’t help but think of the little seeds that just got planted, it made me smile. It is rainy and cold outside today but I am determined to find some beauty everywhere I can. I have gotten myself in this place of information overload, I am reading three different books and listening to audio books all separate from my Holy Writ, just for fun, and my first response is you have to change everything! My mind is swimming with change and growth and ideas to make life better but this morning I stopped and got quiet and listened to that small voice. I am such a get-r-done kind of person and I just drive through tasks not thinking about what or why I am doing them; it often surprises me that everyone is not just like this. If I’m honest about this part of me it is my hiding place where I can show up physically, tell myself I am expressing love through service and still protect myself emotionally. God is so patient with me, we have slowly methodically walked down this road together. He has only ask me for one step at a time and has watched me stick my toe out and then run back ten steps over and over always standing on that line holding His arms out waiting for me. He reminded me today that forward takes courage and standing still is where fear and loneliness live; as always the options are clear but the choice is mine. The difference in this choice from all the others is He is not asking me to trust Him more He is asking me to find my value in Him. To show up, set down and be vulnerable can only happen if I can see myself through His eyes. My heart is racing and I am a little nauseous just thinking about how heavy my armor is and how afraid I am of taking it off. At first glance this is the usual woman’s bible study, I am holy, righteous, and beloved, all of those things are true and important I don’t want to minimize them but that is not where I am. For as long as I can remember I have tried to earn the love of my mother and in my heart I have fallen short every time. This is not a pity party, she may love me, but what I have been trying to obtain is her picture of all the things she thought she should be. To try and explain this: at a very young age I was body shamed, not allowed to wear shorts because my legs were fat, not allowed to wear a bathing suit so I would not be made fun of, constantly poked in the stomach if I had a roll, and being on every fad diet imaginable but to this day that has been a place of bitterness for me. Every time I hear “you look like you have lost a few pounds” the eating begins. There are all kinds of issues with that and I should probably see a councilor but what God is teaching me is none of that has anything to do with me; it is how she feels about herself. Instantly I am trying to pull that back in, did I do that to my children, guilt and shame, can I say that about my mother, guilt and shame, why am I just figuring this out at my age, guilt and shame, (the pictures I get in my head crack me up) I see myself hanging on the side of a cliff with anvils strapped to both legs desperately trying to hold on and I look up at Jesus setting on a rock with His arms crossed asking “are you tired yet?” As always, He gently picks me up, cuts the ropes on my ankles, and says “you are so stubborn I’ve been asking you to give me that since the day we met at the cross”. My God wants to give me a new name, one I can say out loud, He is the only unquestionable authority and His love for me is not dependent on performance.

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