Control Freak

Well I am not quite a month into my new marriage and the struggle is real. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy and very much love my husband but I’m struggling with the submissive wife thing. I started praying from the day of our engagement for God to teach me to be a good wife. I want to be the kind of woman that deserves the husband I want to have. Today as I am reading Luke 18 I find this little piece of information: 9He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: 10“Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed^a thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ 13But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ 14I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

God has revealed to me today that I have been the Pharisee in my prayers for my marriage. It is hard to say that my prayers are being answered just not how I asked God to do it, imagine that! This is not the first time I have been smacked in the face with how wrong I can be, but if I’m honest with myself my prayers have actually been teach me how to make him fit into my neat little picture, you know the one I hate? “Judge not least you be judged” is something that has always proved to be true, and God has this way of gently showing me that it doesn’t matter what is seen by the world He judges the intentions of my heart. I have sat down on this rock determined not to move until I get my way and this rush of remembrance has come over me. My Rock, my Fortress, my Provider, His love knows no end and He is faithful. My God has supplied all of my needs, He has given me the desires of my heart and it is to Him I surrender control. Do I believe that He works only good to those who love Him? Do I believe that He will never let go and that His plans are to give me a future and a hope? God’s picture of marriage is beautiful and perfect and I want that. Like the tax collector it is when I get to the end of me that I find the beginning of everything and I am reminded of how big my God truly is. Again He takes my hand and lifts me up and as we continue down this road I am thankful for these lessons, for His grace that changes me, and for the mercy that I consume like a fat kid eating cake! He calls me beloved, and I am His!